its funny how I sometimes feel my own existence. it is usually when i am either in trouble or in a depressed state or i dont have anything to do. young and carefree as i am, i think its only natural to feel that teenagers today feel as if they are super humans. to be able to think that we can do anything in our capabilities. Living the moment. Living life.

But ironically, we are not in control of the things that happen around us. The reaction of a little boy to a suprise gift from his parents can take its turn and go sour at an instant. Sometimes i think i feel that i know everything and that i can do everything in my power. but in truth I am only in control of my choices. everything else is not up to me. but rather it is up to the clashes and unity of matter that are affected by my choice. in other words, destiny.

Speaking of destiny, how can one define one's destiny? in our world today, i believe that destiny takes it part in everyday life. What our choices are, controls our destiny. Despite of the Divine intervention, which we usually take advantage of destiny is nothing but a summation of a choice and a reaction. But there is also a part of me that believes in the magic of destiny. I read somewhere that when you wish for something, the whole world helps you conspire for it. Although i have no tangible proof but only from experience, if i think about it, when i pray really hard for something, it either usually comes true, or something better gets out of it.
its amazing to think how the world works. even with it shortcomings, i believe in the end of it all, in the end of our experience, the world makes us struggle and not to give up on the things that we believe that is our destiny.

Again and again,
Thoughts of you consume me,
Every waking breath and sleeping tear
I just can’t seem to get you out of my mind.

The worst memory of the past
Has been erased from my mind.
Nothing left but sweet thoughts
Sweet thoughts of you…

Forgiveness was instinctive,
I couldn’t get mad at you for so long,
Love allows me to.
Despite of everything.
I’ve forgave.

Now I fear, Its back to you,
A million tears shed, a thousand breaths said
I’ll get over you somehow,
But I don’t know just how.

For I’m still hoping,
Im still dreaming.
Love keeps me here.
Love gives me hope.
Hope that someday
You’ll be able to see
How much I love you,
How much I care.

I’m sorry that I didn’t take the chance
I’m sorry that I didn’t fight for you
I can’t turn back time
But I lift it all up to fate.

May she gives me a chance to prove myself to you
To let me show you how I love you
More than my life itself.

But right now, im backing a stone away,
Freeing you for I know you don’t want anything to do with me right now.
Even if It hurts me soo bad seeing you
And how badly I want to give you a hug
Yet I stop myself, for I know you wouldn’t want that.

It hurts me so much
Hearing so much about another girl
When all I wanted was to love you
Not even asking you to love me back
But just letting me be.

It hurts me so much
Because I have to keep everything to myself.
I couldn’t reach out to you, hug you and kiss you.
You keep searching for that love of your life
But you don’t realize that I would give up anything and everything for you.

but you know what hurts more?
Is that I have so much to give
But you just turn away, not even looking back.

JUMP! OH NO...

i just saw somebody jump from a building. i still can't believe it. the crazy guy jumped from a 20 floor building. my apartment building for that matter. what made matters worst was that he didnt die! poor guy, he must have felt sad, all his efforts for nothing! plus i think he was gonna get arrested for jumping off the building. hay...

I dont know why people would like waste their life. I mean, i think life is so worth living. even though bad things happen, I cant imagine how someone would want to end their life. And to think that there are some people who are sick but doesnt have any choice. it's kind of sad because those people don't realize what they are missing. how important life is, how beautiful it is. Though to some life itself may not be beautiful, but I believe that the process, the learning , the experience that we establish in it makes it beautiful and worthwhile. I know life can bring a lot of pain but its not enough reason to just give up. the challenge of life comes in through that pain. how we are able to handle it, how we are able to go through it, do we begin to realize its beauty and importance.

warmth

its funny how we take a lot of things for granted. there are somethings that we are just so used to having that we never really appreciated it. take for example, philippine weather. I remember even since i was in high school i would always comment on how hot it is in the philippines. how i wish it would snow. or how i wish it was cooler. now that i am living in the desert, i have seen how hot it is too how cold it can really get! I remember when i first arrived here in beijing, the weather was so hot it really burned the skin. it was hotter compared to the philippines. but now that its winter here, its now too cold. when i go out, i cant feel my nose and my feet from the cold despite the layers of clothes that i have already! ahh i miss the warmth of the philippines! I was made for the summer weather and not for the winter one. I miss the beaches and the sun already. I miss my tan, my bikinis and sarongs. oh well, soon....

speaking of warmth, kinda reminds of how Filipino people are very warm compared to the other races. even if they dont know each other, they would still smile and help you with what you need. they would even go through lenghts just to help out another Filipino in need. it would seem that the warmth the we filipinos have are inculcated already in our culture. there is no need for it to developed rather it comes out naturally. =) I know for sure, beijing without my fellow pinoys would be really sad. braving the harsh winter alone, walking the polluted streets alone. it would never be the same if i didnt have the friendly filipino faces to go home to, or to go through it. I dont think i'd even survive without them.

homesickness..

sometimes i think, i just think too much. thus leading me into remembring old memories that both have been good and bad and getting nostalgic about them. thinking about them just makes me sad. I would go through the what ifs, the what could have been and what i can still do. reminising indeed makes me wonder if i really did learn from the experiences and the i had encountered. did i really?
after almost 5 years of being away from home, i think i should be use to this feeling. but everytime this feeling sinks in, the feeling feels new. there would be some new details that i would remember or some new nostalgic feeling would come over me. How funny when the last time i thought being in Beijing didnt even make me feel lonely compared to being in manila. ecpecially since most of the people here that i know are like me, we served each other's loneliness. but when that feeling hits you, you got no choice but to face everything alone, the memories, the sadness, the regrets , the pain and the happiness. man is indeed a solitary being.

let's start with the basics..

okay. I have no idea where i should start. I guess I was so happy when i realized that they opened the port for the blogspot here in beijing. I guess due to my boredom here, i was wondered if my friends still updated their blogs. then taaadaa! blogspot was now open. hehehe
well, a lot of happened in the past few months. First, I am a certified adult. getting a college diploma, turning 21, trying to look for a job. indeed, it has been a while. Second, I have been for the past 4 months of my life, i have spent it in the world of the unknown, Beijing. they say a new place, a new life. but still there's no place like home. But despite the changes, some things still remains the same. I am still accident prone-- proven when i fell down the stairs. hehe. I am still running. Running away from all the opportunities and the problems that i need to face. I am still a brat to my parents of course! Also, I still am the old silly me. I dont think that's ever going to change.

Blog reactivated

Indeed it has been a while! in a few weeks, it will be one year since my last update. Maybe I hope this time around I can now post regularly. A lot has happened. A lot has changed. Location, friends, mental states. maybe slowly i can unfold them, maybe writing will help. Maybe.

scary scary

before i forget, i really have to share this, while I was at greenbelt last thursday with the 4 guapas, we were nearly harassed by some odd foreign men, grabe i really felt my heart run fast! they were really wierd and scary, so much for our cute guy hunting! lesson learned: dont look for cute guys when you're all girls in greenbelt, too many bastos guys around!

three day weekends

I love three day weekends. They are my own way of relaxing and bumming around. this week i only had three days of classes. well friday was my self imposed holiday cuz i didnt go to my ACP class hehe so wat did i do for the whole three days? well, of course I did my top three priorities, hehe that is sleep, eat and shop, exactly in that order. Although i didnt get to sleep that much last fri cuz we went to paranaque, i made bawi wen i got back hehe i slept the whole afternoon then swam then sleep again, how baboy can i get. After that i spent the sat shopping, it was sale time in glorietta and did i shop! hehe well, im hoping that i really deserve the stuff that i bought so that i wont be as guilty. and I got new havaianas! i couldnt really resist it cuz it was my colors, blue and pink and i couldnt take not buying it :(( well, what i can say i gave in to the temptation, it was too much to resist especially since i know that ill be wearing it always, ryt? hehe well, wat else did i do this weekend other than shop myself to poverty, ahh i made ciara's sauce and again sleep hehe

speaking of being spoiled

after blabbing about my wierd complains. Im soo happy cuz i got a new skirt, shirt, bag and watch from my mom and dad. YAy! im not complaining about that. although my parents dont give gifts during special occassions they always make it to a point to give us whatever we want when we ask for it, even more, they give too much when you ask. hay, i love them so much and i would not know what i would do without them. In my family, I know im always the little kid and the most outspoken one but lately with school and all the things that has been happening in my life, I feel so guilty cuz im very selfish and ungrateful sometimes. I promise from now on that ill always let them know how grateful i am. God knows what I would do to be able to please my family.

spoiled brat!

i really do admit that im a spoiled brat! i really am. My parents just got home from bankok and of course they had a lot of stuff for me. its not that they forgot my bro and sis but i guess i was the most remembered one. hey, what can i do, im the youngest, i get what i want. But honestly, i sometimes feel guilty because most attention is on me, even from my bro and sis. When they are out, they always ext me if i want something or if i need anything. I guess im just lucky too have them. I know that and i admittedly i do take advantage of it sometimes. I dont actually mind the attention too much especially since its very beneficial for me but there are times that i am obligated to do what they want me to do cuz of it. This is a wierd complaint huh? i am complaining that im being spoiled and a brat at that plus they are not pushing me to do anything!
I think thats the problem, they are not pushing to be anybody but myself. although sometimes i wish they would so that i would know what to do with my life already! Its sooo hard to decide. well, i know that i'm one of the luckiest people in the world to have a family like them and im wondering why the hell im complaining? am i that guilty? hmm...